Coping with Grief 03

OUR FAITH AS A RESOURCE

We have already observed that when someone close to us dies, many of us, whether we are regular worshippers or just on the fringe of the Church’s life, instinctively reach out to God for his love to renew us and give us the strength we need to deal with our grief. 

The words of the Bible and the ancient prayers of the Church assure us that not only do the dead live on in God’s love, but we ourselves are in his care, whatever twists and turns our journey through this life takes. As we put these two parts of the Faith together we realise that in God’s love the living and the dead are not separated at all.

St Paul wrote to the early Christians that nothing – not even death – can separate us from the love of God that comes to us in Jesus (Romans 8:39). It stands to reason, then, that not even death can separate us from those with whom we are bound together in that love.

When we are troubled by GUILT that a relationship has ended before certain things can be put right, we think of that line in the prayer Jesus gave us: “Forgive us our trespasses (sins) as we forgive those who trespass (sin) against us.” Our side of the relationship might have ended imperfectly; but it also ended imperfectly on the other side.

Of course we forgive the other person. And in the reality of their ongoing experience of God we know that they forgive us. Indeed, we know that God forgives us. So, with the other parties being kind and understanding towards us in our grief, we need move to the point of forgiving ourselves. 

If, however, our conscience is troubled by a serious sin that we committed against our loved one who has died, then part of our healing will be going to Confession -  that powerful and sacramental meeting with Jesus in which his forgiving love sets us free. If you haven’t been to Confession before, speak to one of the priests, and he will help you prepare. 

What about our ANGER, our sense of injustice that cries out for some kind of explanation, especially if the person who died was young or was crushed by suffering?  What can we do when no one can give a satisfactory answer to our Why? Why? Why?  How do we deal with the idea that can sneak up on us that we have been abandoned by God? 

The first thing is to be honest about our anger. Think about the passage from the Book of Lamentations in the Bible we looked at a couple of days ago. People often feel they cannot own up to being angry with God. But, when you think about it, our faith is much more about being honest than it is about being good. After all, an honest person is open to new insights and new ways of relating to God. A person who values their own “goodness” above everything else may actually have a closed mind and be resistant to God’s attempts to draw them further into his love.  

So, we are brutally honest about that anger. We tell God how we feel. We bring before him the questions no one can answer. We tell him how desperate we are for some insight. It may take time, but something will happen, because God really does love us. No-one else can predict what our answer will be, or how we will come to a new place in our relationship with God. But one way or another, we do move through our anger to a deeper awareness of God’s love than we ever thought possible.

In terms of our FEAR, we should think back to the readings in the funeral service which help us face our insecurity and the unpredictability of our death. Those readings affirm death as a natural part of life. 

Even just attending the funeral is a step in the right direction - a beginning - because the service helps us deal with our mortality. It encourages us to face our fear. It renews our trust in God’s promises. Its ancient words and symbols anchor us deeply into God’s love, and we are assured in the Bible that “perfect love casts out fear” (1 John 4:18). 

THE FUTURE

The difficult emotions we experience when someone has died can begin to be resolved by the funeral service, which seeks to nurture our trust in God. This, together with the loving support of others, enables us to face the future.  

  

But there is more. During a time of bereavement, some people start coming to Mass on Sundays as regular worshippers, even when they have not been brought up in the Church or attended before. This is often a very tentative stepping into the unknown, with many questions and doubts - but so is the rest of life in the early stages of grief. In any case, these people persevere because of that ancient feeling of being drawn by a love they cannot explain in words. Many have found that giving in to their instinct to seek God helps them put their lives back together after losing a loved one. It is a journey of faith and a real adventure! It is coming to know God’s love more deeply through quietness, prayer and meditation, receiving Holy Communion, and sharing in the ongoing life of the Church family.

  

I want to tell you that our parish is a real community - people of all ages who care for each another. Just belonging helps us feel supported in facing the daily challenges of life. There are big services, and small weekday ones. We even have meetings for prayer and study in people’s homes, not to mention barbecues and other functions at which people get to know each other. And the church building is kept open during the daylight hours for those who just like to sit or kneel in the prayerful silence with a spirit of openness to the Lord. 

We invite you to come and share in our worship. 

If you would like to talk to one of the priests or lay leaders, please contact us. We are here for you. 

Coping with Grief 02

AFTER THE FUNERAL

We can be so busy with practical details and arrangements between the death of a loved one and the funeral that the full intensity of our grief is held at bay. It is often when the funeral is over and there’s nothing more to do, that we become overwhelmed with loneliness and pain. 

We deal with this in different ways. There are those who contact a friend (or maybe their priest) so as to have someone there with them. Others just want to be left alone. Whichever way we deal with our grief, we should open our wounded and broken hearts to God. 

During a time of great turmoil, the Bible tells us that God said to his people:

“Be still and know that I am God.” (Psalm 46:10) 

Many people have experienced his presence in that stillness as he lovingly calms the otherwise raging tides of emotion in our hearts and minds.

  

There is another passage in the Bible that people  find helpful. It was written over 2,500 years ago by a man for whom death and destruction were on every side. His whole world had collapsed around him. Because his lament begins with cries of desperation it is often used as a meditation by those in deep grief:

“My soul is bereft of peace, 

  I have forgotten what happiness is;  

  so I say, ‘Gone is my glory, 

  and my expectation from the Lord.’

    

“Remember my affliction and my bitterness, 

  the wormwood and the gall!  

  My soul continually thinks of it 

  and is bowed down within me. 

  But this I call to mind, 

  and therefore I have hope:

    

“The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, 

  his mercies never come to an end;  

  they are new every morning; 

  great is thy faithfulness.

    

“‘The Lord is my portion,’ says my soul, 

‘therefore I will hope in him.’

    

  “The Lord is good to those who wait for him, 

  to the soul that seeks him.  

  It is good that one should wait quietly 

  for the salvation of the Lord.”

(Lamentations 3:17-26)

What an amazing reading - one of the many examples of the Bible’s breathtaking honesty when dealing with the turmoil as well as the blessings of human life. It begins where so many of us are when we grieve - look at the gut-wrenching cry at the start of the passage! - , but it finishes with confidence in the wholeness and peace that come from the Lord. 

Actually, soaking ourselves in Scripture as a whole (and not only our favourite “cuddly” bits) is a good way of preparing, not just spiritually, but also emotionally and psychologically, for all that life throws at us. 

SOME OTHER EMOTIONS

A lot has been written over the last few decades about the process of grieving, with the result that some people speak of the various “stages” of grief, as if they are exactly the same for everyone. We know that’s not true. We experience grief in different ways. We also deal with it in our own way and at our own pace.

Nevertheless, it is possible to recognise a range of emotions that are frequently experienced by grieving people. These include:

Regret and Guilt
Every human relationship is imperfect. There are no exceptions. There are things we meant to say - kind and appreciative things – that we didn’t get around to saying.

There are also words and actions we meant to undo, take back, or at least make up for, and we didn’t get around to that, either. Death comes along and we have to admit that, for all our good intentions, we failed to do what we knew was right. That’s painful. So is the realisation that we will never be able to change the way death left our relationship.

Anger
Sometimes those who grieve are very angry. Anger is a natural response to pain. It is natural to be hurt by the death of a loved one, and it is natural to want to strike out.

We can be angry with the person who has died (“Look at all the problems you have left me to deal with on my own!”)

We can transfer our anger onto those around us, snapping at our family and friends, and being cruel and sarcastic to them.

We can even turn on God, desperately, crying from within, “Why did you do this to me?”

We might feel ashamed of our anger, but we should remember that it is one of the most common emotions experienced during the initial months of bereavement.

Relief
It is possible to experience a sense of relief when a loved one dies, especially if they suffered a debilitating illness. This is perfectly understandable.

But we sometimes then feel guilty for experiencing that relief. We forget that we have every right to be grateful for the release from suffering that death can bring.

Fear
Two fears are often present when a loved one dies.

The first is fear of our mortality. The death of a loved one reminds us that one day it will be our turn. Most of the time we ignore this reality, but when someone close to us dies we are brought face to face with the fact that a time not of our choosing and under conditions over which we have no control, we, too, will die.

The second is fear of the future, especially when it is a spouse who has died. In marriage two people become “one flesh.” We don’t appreciate how real that union is until half of it dies. Death is like radical surgery. We are left emotionally and physically weaker, only half what we were before.  Widowed, wounded and alone, we gaze down the days and years ahead. They look empty, dark, and frightening.

Click HERE to go to Part 3

Letting the side down

A man was being tailgated by a seriously stressed out woman on a busy toad. Suddenly, the light turned to red in front of him.

He did the right thing and stopped, even though he just might have been able to speed through the intersection.

The woman behind nearly ran up the back of him. She hit the roof and the horn, screaming in absolute frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.

While she was still swearing and carrying on, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious policeman. He told her to get out of the car and put her hands up. Then he took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and put in a holding cell.

A couple of hours later, another policeman opened the door of the cell. He escorted the woman to the front counter where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, “I’m really sorry for this mistake, lady. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn and swearing so loudly and giving 'the finger' to the bloke in front. I noticed the 'Choose Life' sign on the back window, the ‘What Would Jesus Do?’ bumper sticker, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday-School’ bumper sticker and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the boot.

“Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car.”