Sunday, September 25, 2011

Just for a Change . . . Smile!



The priest told the congregation that he would shortly be leaving to move to another parish. However he assured them that the bishop had promised to send a good man to take over. After the service he noticed a lady crying and said: "Don't get upset my dear, the bishop has promised to send you a good man to take over." "He told us that the last time", replied the lady in tears.

***

In Scotland, a parishioner gave the priest a bottle of cherry brandy on the understanding that it would be acknowledged in the Sunday pew sheet. In the next edition the priest thanked Mrs MacDonald "for the gift of cherries and for the spirit in which it was given."

***

A bishop was astonished to hear a little girl say that you had to be brave to go to church. "Why do you say that?" he asked. "Well", replied the little girl, "I heard my uncle tell my aunt last Sunday that there was a canon in the pulpit, the choir murdered the anthem and the organist drowned the choir."

***

This is a true story: A former Bishop of Guildford told of a selection conference held at his home for those hoping to be accepted for training for the priesthood. The young men were told not to leave the grounds. The bishop had to go to Guildford and suddenly came face to face with one of the candidates who looked flustered and said: "The Holy Spirit told me I must come shopping." "Oh dear," said the bishop, "one of you must be wrong - it's early closing day."

***

After the baptism of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a good Christian home, but I want to stay with you guys!"

***

It is said that Archbishop Tench of Dublin in his latter years had a fear of sudden crippling paralysis. At dinner on one occasion he suddenly said: "It's come at last - a total lack of feeling in my right leg." A lady sitting next to him said, "Your Grace, it may be of some comfort and relief to you to know that during the whole of this meal it is MY leg that you have been pinching."

***

The Sunday School Teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell me honestly, do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir," little Johnny replied, "I don't have to. My mum is a good cook."

***

A prayer: "So far today, God, I've done alright. I haven't gossiped, I haven't lost my temper, haven't been greedy, or grumpy, nasty or self-centred. I am really glad about that. But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed and then I'm going to need all the help that I can get. Amen."

***

A church's bell ringer passed away. So they advertised the position in the local paper and a man came in with no arms wanting the job. The clergy weren't sure if would be fair to expect him to do it, but he convinced them to let him try. They all went up the bell tower, and the man ran toward the bell and hit it with his head. So they gave him the job.

The next day he went to ring the bell, tripped, bounced off the bell and fell to the footpath below. Two men were walking past. One said to the other, "Do you know this man?" The other responded, "No, but his face rings a bell."

The next day, the dead bell ringer's twin brother comes in to apply for the job which is, of course, vacant again. He also has no arms. They lead him up to the bell tower, he runs at the bell, trips and falls to the footpath below. The same two men walk by. The first asks, "Do you know him?" The other responds, "No, but he's a dead ringer for the chap we saw yesterday."

***

The new vicar had preached his first sermon but a sudden emergency had prevented one of the churchwardens from attending church that day. When the churchwarden saw the vicar during the week, the following conversation took place: Churchwarden: "I was so sorry to have missed your first sermon, Vicar." Vicar, with great modesty: "Oh, you didn't miss much." Churchwarden: "So they tell me!"


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